This song makes my life right now. I have so much going on… should probably post just to get some stuff off my chest and onto the page but my little fingers aren’t cooperating with my little brain. Instead, listen to this song that makes me really really happy.
So, I’m sad. I feel like my friends are moving on without me, like life is moving on without me. My best friend goes to school upstate. I was supposed to go there too but… for reasons too complicated to blog about, I didn’t. So this year, my other closest friend transfers to the school where my best friend is and now I feel completely out of the loop. I was friends with both of them before they were really close with each other, but now they seem inseperable. I mean, they have all these new jokes that I’m not in on, and they can basically see each other all the time.. its just…I’m jealous. I’m really jealous because I don’t feel like I have that connection with anyone here. All my closest friends are gone. And tonight my two closest friends are going to a strip club, something that I wanted to do with them for the longest time and I don’t know if I’m being selfish or what but I feel like it’s not fair. I want them to have a good time deep down in my heart but right now I’m just mad that they’re doing it without me. And I just don’t know who to talk to about any of this.
Isn’t it amazing how one little thing-or person- can make you feel like nothing else in the whole world matters? Like there’s nothing to worry about? Today, no matter what happens, I will feel comfortable and safe in my own thoughts, relishing on events in my past and planning for the future. I feel happy. I feel loved.
Catie has a fishbowl. Well, to be more precise, she has two. They’re identical, and almost look like flower vases. Inside each one is a fish, one red and one blue. One of them is named lovelove, and I forget the other ones name. The reason they can’t be together is because they’re Fighting Oscars and they would fight to the death if they were placed in the same tank. Quite unfortunate. Standing in Catie’s immaculate kitchen, looking at the fish, I think about the life of a fish. Is it better, I inquire of my friend, to live in a nice safe tank-or is it a glass prison?- or is it better to be free in the ocean where anyone can swim up and eat you? Is a safe yet impenetrable bubble the definition of a good life for a fish? With flakes to eat every day? I’m not sure if they’re a delicacy, but at least its a regular meal, right? Or would noname and lovelove prefer to swim free, killing other fish as they see fit? Does a fish have enough consciousness to realize that it could be killed by someone bigger and stronger at any moment? I guess what I really mean is… is it better to live a mediocre life in a protective shell that you create for you and you alone or is it worth it to swim with everyone else, opening yourself to wonderful things along as the painful truths of reality? I think I choose the latter. I think. I hope. I think that I think too much.
I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I took a nap yesterday afternoon and had a very strange dream. I was driving through what appeared to be a snowstorm. I could barely see out my front windshield. It was quite confusing because in my dream it was summer. I got out of the car and was talking to some random people and they told me it actually wasn’t snow, it was a huge amount of fluffy white pollen from trees. I was really confused and a little scared that trees could be producing so much pollen. Very vivid dream, I rarely remember my dreams for more than a few minutes. I wonder what it means…
Anyway, I’m happy. Really happy. Things are good. It’s bittersweet though. My happiness is tinged with loneliness, but hopefully it won’t be that way for long. Dunno what else to say right now. I’m really hungry. I’ll keep you all updated.
Birthdays make me feel especially lonely. Dunno why. I just want someone to cuddle is all.
In a week from today I’ll be nineteen. 19. It’s a really strange number. 18 was big because it was supposed to signify my adultyness, 20 will be big because I won’t be a teenager anymore, and other people think 21 will be big because I’ll be able to drink but thats really not too exciting to me. But 19? Bleh. Technically I won’t even be a year older next week, only a day older. Just the number changes. But still….. it feels like a big change for me. I don’t think I look 19 and I definitely don’t feel 19. When I tell people that I feel so old turning 19 they’re all like “pfft 19 I remember when I was 19 that was so uber long ago I was just a kid stop being stupid” Well, they don’t say it quite like that but thats how it sounds in my head. I wonder what 19 will bring. 18 started off good, got bad for a little while, but then was good again. 17 was mostly good and then ended horribly. I have hope for 19 though. It’s a prime number! Maybe…. that has some significance in my life? We’ll see. Hopefully I don’t get knocked up or slack off in school or do something else stupid. I’m not too worried though.
Maybe I don’t think 19 is important because whenever I start to get excited about it someone inevitably goes “19? thats not an important year!” Well ummmm yeah, yeah it is. It’s a whole fucking YEAR of my life. It’s not like I can just write off a whole year because it lacks importance to someone else. So much can happen in a year. I feel like a totally different person this year than I did last. Lets see: on my birthday last year about 5 friends came over and we had some food and ice cream and danced around my yard. Then I took a walk with my soon-to-be boyfriend and we layed in the grass and talked about stuff. It was kinda nice. This year I’m having about 15 people over to my aunts house (cause she has an awesome backyard) and we’re gonna eat and party and have fun hopefully. And I’ll be the center of attention and be cute. Of course. My birthday is really the only time where I demand attention. I’m pretty easy going 364 days of the year and I just chill in the background if thats where I fall but on my birthday I want things to be the way I want them to be. I’m not like super-bitchy and bratty and will cry if a candle on my cake is the wrong color but I’m not afraid to say no, do not bring your boyfriend to my party, he is not my friend so hang out with him tomorrow. It’s just, blah. I don’t want people to walk all over me. Two years in a row (15 and 16) two of my best friends hooked up with guy friends on my birthday and I was just sick of it. I don’t want to see you make out with boys on my birthday. I don’t want you being drunk on my birthday because I don’t like drinking. If you feel like being drunk I’m sure theres another party you can go to. I don’t think its that much of a big deal. My birthday is about me being happy, and you (my friends and whatnot) have the job of making that happen. I’m sure some people are going to read that and think I’m a bitch but whatev! It’s my birthday and you all have to be nice to me, at least in front of my face. 
Done rambling for now. Much love.
I am frustrated with my family.
I am frustrated with life.
My brother’s wrongdoings are treated in the same way as my achievements. Brushed off and forgotten.
Oh did I mention what he did was illegal?
And I got a 4.0 GPA this semester.
All water under the bridge. I need to get away.
