Birthday Rambles June 18, 2008

In a week from today I’ll be nineteen.  19.  It’s a really strange number.  18 was big because it was supposed to signify my adultyness, 20 will be big because I won’t be a teenager anymore, and other people think 21 will be big because I’ll be able to drink but thats really not too exciting to me.  But 19?  Bleh.  Technically I won’t even be a year older next week, only a day older.  Just the number changes.  But still….. it feels like a big change for me.  I don’t think I look 19 and I definitely don’t feel 19.  When I tell people that I feel so old turning 19 they’re all like “pfft 19 I remember when I was 19 that was so uber long ago I was just a kid stop being stupid”  Well, they don’t say it quite like that but thats how it sounds in my head.  I wonder what 19 will bring.  18 started off good, got bad for a little while, but then was good again.  17 was mostly good and then ended horribly.  I have hope for 19 though.  It’s a prime number!  Maybe…. that has some significance in my life?  We’ll see.  Hopefully I don’t get knocked up or slack off in school or do something else stupid.  I’m not too worried though.

Maybe I don’t think 19 is important because whenever I start to get excited about it someone inevitably goes “19? thats not an important year!”  Well ummmm yeah, yeah it is.  It’s a whole fucking YEAR of my life.  It’s not like I can just write off a whole year because it lacks importance to someone else.  So much can happen in a year.  I feel like a totally different person this year than I did last.  Lets see: on my birthday last year about 5 friends came over and we had some food and ice cream and danced around my yard.  Then I took a walk with my soon-to-be boyfriend and we layed in the grass and talked about stuff.  It was kinda nice.  This year I’m having about 15 people over to my aunts house (cause she has an awesome backyard) and we’re gonna eat and party and have fun hopefully.  And I’ll be the center of attention and be cute.  Of course.  My birthday is really the only time where I demand attention.  I’m pretty easy going 364 days of the year and I just chill in the background if thats where I fall but on my birthday I want things to be the way I want them to be.  I’m not like super-bitchy and bratty and will cry if a candle on my cake is the wrong color but I’m not afraid to say no, do not bring your boyfriend to my party, he is not my friend so hang out with him tomorrow.  It’s just, blah.  I don’t want people to walk all over me.  Two years in a row (15 and 16) two of my best friends hooked up with guy friends on my birthday and I was just sick of it.  I don’t want to see you make out with boys on my birthday.  I don’t want you being drunk on my birthday because I don’t like drinking.  If you feel like being drunk I’m sure theres another party you can go to.  I don’t think its that much of a big deal.  My birthday is about me being happy, and you (my friends and whatnot) have the job of making that happen.  I’m sure some people are going to read that and think I’m a bitch but whatev!  It’s my birthday and you all have to be nice to me, at least in front of my face. 

Done rambling for now.  Much love.

Protected: Things I need to learn June 9, 2008

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wefsdiojkl May 31, 2008

I am frustrated with my family.

I am frustrated with life.

My brother’s wrongdoings are treated in the same way as my achievements.  Brushed off and forgotten.

Oh did I mention what he did was illegal?

And I got a 4.0 GPA this semester.

All water under the bridge.  I need to get away.

Today is Just One of Those Days May 5, 2008

You know how it goes.  Wake up on a Sunday, sit around, do some chores, sit around, think about all the things you should be doing but aren’t, never get out of your pajamas.  Inevitably, you start to get depressed/worried/anxious because it’s midnight and you sorely regret doing nothing for the past 16 hours.  

“If only I had gotten up at 8 instead of 9!”

“If only I would have taken out my homework after lunch, I could have finished by now!”

But no, that never happens; a bed and a laptop will always be more inviting than a desk and some work.

 

Finals start on Thursday.  I’m pretty worried.  I have two tests on Thursday, one the following Monday, and I haven’t even started studying yet.  I know that I’ll get my crap together eventually but right now I’m starting to feel that familiar sinking feeling of dread.  I feel so much pressure to get perfect grades and the sick thing is I bring it upon myself.  My parents are pretty ambivalent to be honest.  They’re more excited when my little brother gets a C in one high school class than when I get a 3.66 GPA my first semester of college.  I guess thats just the way the cookie crumbles, though.  I was told that I was merely doing what was expected of me.  Not sure if that’s a compliment or what. 

I think that one of the main purposes of this blog is to just say what I need to say without feeling like I’m burdening other people with my problems.  Either you read it or you don’t, not my problem nor concern how you feel about what I say.  Don’t worry, not ALL the posts are going to be like this, not even most.  I’m definitely looking forward to the start of summer where I can go out with all my high school friends and lay in the grass and see the fireworks and maybe even kiss a boy or two.  But for now, things are stressful and once again I’m making myself sick.